What is sin?

What's going on internet! Long time no see. I have been tasked with the Intro to Sin talk and I got to admit it's a hard and long one. I didn't know where to start. Do I start off with a verse? A story? So I put myself where my kids sit. What are they thinking? Do they know what sin is? And it hit me, I should start with what sin actually is.


What it is, and what it isn't

I'll start with the "is nots". Sin is not watching pornography. It is not cheating on a test. Or lying. Or having sex. Sin is not a verb. It is not an action. Sin is a noun. Some describe it as a wall, gap or a disease. I describe it as a thirst. Paul said this life is the "Great Race". Sin is that thirst and the "verbs" is what we do to fulfill that thirst. So imagine you are running a marathon accept in this marathon you have this thing we call Life handing you junk like Coca-Cola or Red-bull, Yeah, they will quench your thirst for a little bit but down the line you will end up with a cramp or get dangerously dehydrated.

We can say the same thing on the opposite end. Reading the Bible everyday does not make you saved. Feeding the poor, never doing anything really bad, being a pastor, being a good dad/mom, etc, etc, does not mean you are saved. Jesus Himself said "depart from me, I never knew you" to people who were casting out demons! It's not the actions you have done in this life, it's about if you accepted the Gift Jesus tries to give all us. Everything else is "meaningless".

Going back to the marathon, the good things are your protein shakes or wheat grass shots. Yeah they are good for you, but after awhile you are going to get sick of those too. Among all this chaos of Life though there is a guy running along side you yelling "Hey, I got this awesome water, just meet me halfway!" The first person who took this guy's offer was a woman. No she was never named. We just know she was from Samaria. That woman is known as today as the Samaritan woman and she never thirsted again.


There are other stories though of people who never found out how to quench that thirst. They are people struggling today. I have friends who try to please God by following rules who keep messing up over and over again. They think God is this big white guy in the sky with a messy beard judging their every action, thought, internet link, word, etc, etc. They don't know that God is more than someone who is just in a book, more than a fantasy, more than prayer, more than a deity who is CONSTANTLY disappointed in them. They don't know God actually loves their positives and their negatives. They don't know that every rule they follow or break is meaningless. They don't know that God's love is not deserved, that it is given.

The Folly of Reckless Love

"There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm."-Willa Cather

My friend Nick posted that on Facebook and it had me thinking. I have learned this lesson over and over again. I was talking to another friend about what we learned this past year and I told her "I don't think I will ever love as recklessly as I did in the past." I have been thinking a lot about that statement because honestly, it just came out.  Reckless love is a wonderful and beautiful thing. Reckless love is a "face value" love. Reckless love is a bet with high risks, and like high risks, you can lose everything.

Reckless love is like buying a house and not taking a tour. The house could be perfect. Or it could have plumbing issues. Reckless love is a hail Mary in the winds of fate. The last two relationships I have been in,I took this bet and I lost a bit of myself each time. I have weathered those storms and have learned, reckless is not for me.

My heart of heart's desire is to find a wife. I have put it into God's hands. The next relationship I am in, I am taking my time. Checking the walls for cracks and that the foundation was built on stone. When I see the red flags, that I address it. Reckless love ignores the cracks, ignores the "no-go zones". You accept the unacceptable things.  Where you put your anger underneath a rug and lie to yourself. " Anger as soon as fed is dead, tis starving that makes it fat."

I lost my Reckless Love in this last storm. I got my heart back again. Never will I give it away so fast. A person who keeps coming back to the source of pain should not blame the source. He should blame himself. If you keep putting your hand on a hot plate you are going to get burned. Until marriage, I will be in charge of guarding my heart as the way it should be. If I am in charge of guarding my heart than I can control it. I can feel my anger and forgive quickly. I can avoid getting hurt and let go way more easier.

You know, misery is wasted on the miserable

I just got done watching the latest season of Louis on Netflix. I know I know, this is another "Hey I am getting over my last relationship post" but this scene really stuck to me.  This is the scene between Louis and Dr. Bigelow:

_______________________________________________________________________________
Bigelow: So you took a chance on being happy, even though you knew that later on you would be sad.

Louis: Yeah.

Bigelow: And now... you're sad.

Louis: Yeah.

Bigelow: So... what's the problem?

Louis: I'm too sad.... Look, I liked the feeling of being in love with her. I liked it. But now she's gone and I miss her and it sucks. And I didn't think it was going to be this bad, and I feel like, why even be happy if it's just going to lead to this, you know? It wasn't worth it.

Bigelow: You know, misery is wasted on the miserable.

Louis: What?

Bigelow: You know, I'm not entirely sure what your name is, but you are a classic idiot. You think spending time with her, kissing her, having fun with her, you think that's what it was all about? That was love?

Louis: Yeah.

Bigelow: THIS is love. Missing her, because she's gone. Wanting to die.... You're so lucky. You're like a walking poem. Would you rather be some kind of a fantasy? Some kind of a Disney ride? Is that what you want? Don't you see? This is the good part. This is what you've been digging for all this time. Now you finally have it in your hand, this sweet nugget of love, sweet, sad love, and you want to throw it away. You've got it all wrong.

Louis: I thought this was the bad part.

Bigelow: No! The bad part is when you forget her, when you don't care about her, when you don't care about anything. The bad part is coming, so enjoy the heartbreak while you can, for God's sakes. Pick up the dog poop, would you please? Lucky sonofabitch. I haven't had my heart broken since Marilyn walked out on me, since I was 35 years old. What I would give to have that feeling again.... You know, I'm not really sure what your name is, but you may be the single most boring person I have ever met. No offense.
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I can feel myself starting to stop caring but last night I had a dream where I was talking to someone I did not know. The last part of that conversation was I admitted "I miss her, I miss her a lot". Now taking that scene from Louis and working on being grateful I have come up with this. I am grateful that at least for a few months someone put me in their life plan. That for a little while I got to fantasize with someone about having an awesome wedding. That I am grateful I got to imagine what our kids would look like and what his or her name would be. Even if I never meet someone again. at least for a moment, someone loved me.

Don't get me wrong, I am hurt still but I miss that feeling of love. And I guess I am lucky I got to experience love. Never before have I felt such a emotional, spiritual and physical love.  That is why I miss it. Because once you have it, that is all you think about. You want to be with that person all the time. This is why this hurts so much. I had something that I didn't know how much I wanted. I lost it. The tragic part of this is the incredible amount of love I had has turned into something demented and bitter. Where I struggle daily with anger and forgiveness at the same time.

Again I am grateful for the love I felt and I wish somehow it worked out the way we planned it. I must move on though. I have to stop caring and let go.

Tom Momono, my dad and my last hero.

Today I learned that my last hero, mentor, youth pastor, and dad (no relation but he was more than just a fill-in) passed away with his fight with cancer. This blog is to remind me of his lessons in case I ever forget. To go back in my mind when I was learning about who I was in my teens and to recall the long talks me and Tom had.

Back when I was a teenager, Tom would pick me and my siblings up and take us out for cool lunches or dinners. He mentored us during these hangout sessions. He taught me things on strength, making right decisions, honor, chivalry, having undying faith in God, and adventure. Tom is the best model I have on how to be a true and loving father. I am sad I did not get to say goodbye but I am glad his suffering is over.

When it comes to strength, Tom taught me that nothing I encounter in life is to big for me as I have God on my side. That really my strength is God's strength. That since God is my strength than there is nothing to big for me. I have embraced that throughout my life. I may wallow and cry but I end up getting out of the holes I make, life makes and other's make. I make a goal or am given a goal, and I crush them. That is because of what I was taught in my formidable years. Strength, that stuff that gives you the way to conquer life.

Honor is something Tom taught and had. He quit smoking for us kids so that he could be a better example. He never hid it or anything. He knew that hiding things about his life was dishonorable. That eventually God would bring it to light. So he suffered and conquered in front of us. He stopped smoking cold turkey and put his faith in God's strength. Out of all the leaders in my life, nothing was in Tom's closet because he never had one. He lived his life accountable to God and to his kids.

Tom also taught me on making right decisions. He taught me that yes it is hard sometimes to do the right thing especially when it does not go in my favor but that I should for my soul and conscious do the right thing. These teachings have kept me from being a drug addict or alcoholic. From making life changing consequences that I am not ready for yet. Saving friendships and admitting I was wrong. Ending debates quickly by asking for forgiveness and owning up to my faults.

When I talked to Tom a few months ago, his faith was still unshaken. He was not mad at God or questioning Him. Tom was sure God had him in His hands. That even if he did not make it, that he was going to a WAY better place. There was no doubt in his voice, just like he was 10 + years ago. I admit that I could work on this but Tom gave me an example on what and how to do it.

Last but not least Tom taught me to embrace adventure. What is adventure? Anything outside my comfort zone. Thanks to Tom I have a deep love of sushi and just good food in general. Tom also took gambles on the weird kids and the underdogs. I am a little bit of both. Tom took his time with me. He showed me what it meant to be a true leader. That no one deserved to be left out. That everyone has a story that needs to be heard and never judged. That people just want someone to listen. To not say anything for a change. And he is right.

Tom's legacy has and is living on through me. I have my Living Water boys who were "savages". Now they are responsible young men on fire for God. They help their communities and give their time to the less fortunate. Some have even went on missions trips. My Young Life boys are learning the same rules. Learning that they can be bad ass and be a gentleman at the same time. That women are not objects. To feel their feelings and do the right thing.  They are behaved and actually listen to the messages. I love these kids and would die for anyone of them to give them another chance to live life. Just like Tom did for me.

Tom you changed me. You took an angry kid and made him into a smart, loving, funny young man. Without you I would have went down some dark roads that thanks to you I missed. I cannot thank you enough. I am going to miss you a bunch. I promise to show these kids the things you showed me. To live my life with more honor. To be transparent and to get rid of my closet. That honor and honesty go hand-in-hand. I love you Tom.

-Dain

Missing what was lost

This week has been a weird week emotion wise. Maybe it's because I am actually letting go more and more is the reason I miss her. To get through the day, I keep telling myself to ignore her or pretend she isn't there. Lately though, I have been missing her bad. And not just the physical stuff, but the good times too. The late night calls, the way she laughed and trying new things. Is this the reason it's so hard to move on? Where it feels like I will never find the good things in someone else ever again? 

Here is another thing, I am still physically attracted to her to. Like this morning, I couldn't stop thinking about her. It sucks because I know I can never have her again. It's torture seeing her everyday because to get over these feelings I tend to turn them into anger or hatred. It's hard for me to be happy for her because well, she is the one I want. I try to convince myself everyday that I am delusional but I keep coming back to these thoughts. 

I miss that lemony smell, the way her thumb bends back, her hand in mine, the kisses we used to sneak in the elevator, her YouTube adventures with the Illumanti or aliens, laying around all morning. And I think there are three ways to get over these feelings:

1. Find someone else. This option is more of a band-aid plus I made a promise to wait a year 

2. Change my environment. This option to me seems like a good fix. Obviously I have been trying to get over her but it is not working. I do not think seeing her every day helps. If I am tortured than it is up to me to stop it. 

3. Actually get over it. I have tried this. It isn't working. I still have soul ties and I am pretty sure it is tied to the "physical" times. I am visual person and when I see her I see someone who hurt me, someone who I struggle loving and hating, and someone who has a part of my soul I can never take back. 

This is the most honest I have been to myself. Yes I miss her. It hurts like a bullet through my knee cap.  I don't know what I am going to do yet but I know I have to do something to stop this pain. 

A Moment of Weakness-One Bad Night of loneliness

In this blog entry I am not going to spruce anything up with pictures or wit. Tonight is just my pure emotion. My two closest friends from work have found a girlfriend/boyfriend and I know this may just be summer time relationships but they are happy. Like my one friend went to take her boyfriend medicine because he felt sick. Like that is freaking awesome. My other friend, he goes shopping, plays video games and spends time with his girlfriend. Both of them get texts and text back. They have someone that they care for and have someone that cares for them. My other friend just proposed to his girlfriend/bestfriend. In my own selfishness I am jealous. My deepest desire is to find that someone to experience this life with. I feel so freaking alone. Right now I am crying.

I know you are saying "Dain, you just got to get out there." For me though, it's not that simple. My plan was to be engaged by now planning a wedding. That is not the case though. I am here alone in this apartment with my awesome buddy of a cat. For me, I feel fearful of trying again. My heart is broken still. I would dare say it feels like I am getting over a recent divorce (totally not that but it feels that way).

My last moment of weakness like this was about two weeks ago when I was sick with a really bad cold. No one came to my door with chicken noodle soup. I didn't get one text asking how I felt. I felt alone. I had to put my big boy pants on and take care of myself. I do that a lot. I experience a lot of things alone. Vacations, achievements, funny moments, etc are all experienced by me. I do not have someone wondering how my day went. I cannot vent to anyone because they do not listen (hence why I have this).

I am trying to get over the past but days like these make it real hard. Right now I feel so alone and so sad. I know I said I am working on myself but man, it's hard to keep your eye on the prize when you haven't met that person and when in the past the work and saving I did was wasted. I know I am a good person, a good friend and a good lover. I just really do not want to be hurt again. I am scared of failing again. I am scared of putting my heart into someone and getting it crushed. I am scared of not being enough.

"Dain, it sounds like you are not ready for dating." Yup. This is me seeing people move on and finding love. Where ultimately I want that and I had that. But when I get to the base of that mountain, I get intimidated. The fear of rejection is a huge hurdle for me. That's why when I get in a relationship it is a big deal for me. If I tell a girl I like her that is a BIG step for me. That's why I go all in if she says yes. I move fast and want her to meet my family. Why? Because she meets my criteria for a life partner. Maybe this is a problem. Too many expectations at the front. On the other hand though, this is who I am. So do I change myself and start dating like my friends or do I date to marry? I don't know.

What I do know though, is that I am lonely right now. I am sad and am weak right now. In my heart of hearts I want someone who is into me as much as I am into her.

Good night Internet, thanks for listening and letting me cry it out.

Who I am Looking For- Wherever You Are....

Evening,

I finally got the energy to write my next entry. This one is to document what I am looking for in a wife. In my life, the majority of my guy friends don't like talking about the adventure, the quest, the voyage of finding a wife. Even a committed relationship is a MAJOR fear on both sides of the table. I have plenty of friends acting out a relationship but when you just mention a the label girlfriend or boyfriend they get scared. Reason being is that they think if there is not a label they can stop whenever they want to, or if there is not a label they will not get hurt if the other person isn't as committed as they are.

America's #1 fear right next to zombies 

So I guess this is the first thing I am looking for. A woman who is 100% into me because whoever you are I'll be 100% into you. I don't think a healthy relationship should contain "chasing". To me a healthy relationship should be comfortable. There should not be a doubt in either one's mind of where each other's commitment is at. There should not be feelings of shortcoming or doubt. It should be a confidence that she is my only love and I am hers. That we brag about each other to our parents and friends. That we shout our love for each other off the rooftops. No hiding or playing politics.  That she has my back and I will defend her to the death. How do we get this? Trust.

In my previous post I wrote I have trust issues. Some of the trust issues I had were justified and some were not. That being said though, I shouldn't carry the issues and arguments from my past relationship to my new one. What happened is in the past. Also, it wasn't normal or at least it was not healthy.  Healthy relationships start with trust. I would even venture to say that trust is a bigger corner stone than love. Ask any counselor, pastor, therapist, once trust is broken in any relationship, the relationship is not what it used to be. It's like breaking a plate and gluing it back together. Still can work as a plate, but it just isn't the same anymore.

EEXXXAACCTTLLLYYYY

Due to mistrust, I had one of the worst years of my life. I was not eating. I was not getting sleep. I came to the brink of losing my career. I became obsessed, stressed and I lost who I was. I checked into counseling and had to find myself again. I am still battling with the sadness and depression but I am getting better. A healthy relationship does not do this to a person. A healthy relationship should be secure enough where the actual status of the relationship is not a priority. Like where no one should be worrying. Where it's just like "Oh yeah, I trust her. She would never hurt me". And you actually believe it. The wounds I have are still scabbing and they hurt a lot. I do not want to go through last year again. Shoot I may not survive it if I did. 

The next thing I want in whoever she is, is that she is fun. This is a big category. By fun I mean she can laugh easy. She is witty. She can let her hair down and knock a beer or two back. That she likes to go on adventures. That she is smart and open minded. Likes different cultures, food and music. She has her own hobbies and ministry. That she enjoys helping others and doing her part at making this world a better place. Where her energy lights up the freakin room! 

EEXXXAACCTTLLLYYYY

Right next to fun is someone who is focused. To me, there is nothing sexier than a woman who is independent. Where when she gets her goals accomplished because she has focus. Career? She has one and loves it. Wants a house? No problem, she's been saving up for a down payment. The world is hers and I am more than blessed that she loves me. To me, no one should "need" each other in a relationship because that means the love is a dependency, not a choice. A choice has SO much more value than a dependent relationship. She can leave me anytime and be ok. And that's a two way street. We stay together because it's a choice. To me that is beautiful. 

Last but not least and most important, she has to have a relationship with God. For me, I just don't want that debate or awkwardness. She loves God, she knows God and she serves God. That her love for God is bigger than the love she has for me. If I know one thing, God is WAY more reliable than I can ever be.  That if we make our relationship around Him that He will see us through. I took over for God and I messed things up really bad. Like I said, I lost myself. 

Like always, in summary, this is me writing this down to refer back to it when I have moments of doubt or weakness. That I do not waiver on who I am looking for. There is this episode in How I Met Your Mother where Ted is talking to the would be husband of the ex who ran away with him:

Klaus: Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz." She's my "Beinahe-Leidenschaftsgegenstand"... it means the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but it's not quite. That is Victoria to me.

Ted Mosby: How do you know she's not "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz?" Maybe as the years go by she'll get "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz... ier?"

Klaus: "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz" is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin... have you ever felt this way about someone?

Ted Mosby: ...I think so.

Klaus: If you have to think about it, you have not felt it.

Ted Mosby: And you're absolutely sure you'll find that someday?

Klaus: Of course. Everyone does eventually... you just never know when or where.

This episode has stuck with me for years. And I would augment this more in that you will know because she knows too. There won't be discomfort or worry. It will just fit. If you have to force it, than it isn't meant to be. 

Whoever you are, I haven't met you yet. I am searching and preparing for you. I cannot wait to meet you! I am making a better man for myself. I am almost there. I just have some pain I have to work through. Know I am praying for you and I don't even know your name. I am ready to leave my past in my past. I am working on my present. I am excited to see you in my future. 

-Dain

Moving On: Where to Begin

Just recently I have received the closure I needed from my last relationship a yearish ago. As I now know I can't go back I must now look to the future. I know well the lessons I learned in the past. There is this podcast by Andy Stanley called "The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating" and Andy asks a REALLY scary question in the first part. That question is: Am I the person the person I'm looking for is looking for? To be honest, right now, no I believe I am not. 

Growth comes from not looking at a situation but from looking at oneself. Being honest, not negative, on the shortfalls of who I am right now, at this season in time. So here it is:

I am still raw from my previous relationship. I am just now getting over the anger stage and am just plain old sad now. It's a step forward but it still hurts. Whoever I am with next should not have to pay for the wounds from my last relationship. It not fair to whoever she is. I want her to see me for me. I do not want to be rescued. I do not want to be a project. I like being the guy who has his "shit" together. It maybe me, but I think it is so messed up how society today, craves "projects". I don't want to be something I am not. If I like you, I LIKE you. I am not going to play head games. I am here for you. I want you to succeed. I am here to ENHANCE you, not make you worry. 

I need to work on my weight issue. I was talking to my cousin and we came to a conclusion. Attraction is the foot in the door. Unfortunately when it comes to dating and courting, it is not like the Holy Grail scene from Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail.

Ironically though, most of the time, the poor choice still has the same effects...

In the movie, the villain had to pick the Holy Grail that he may have "eternal life". There were some ugly cups, some tall, some short and a cup Lil Jon would LOVE to sip that Chrystal from. Well the villain picked the Lil Jon cup.

Lil Jon....you have chosen...poorly..."WHAT?"

 The reason being is because the cup was attractive. It was made of pure gold, had rubies in it and definitely was made for a king. Well surprise, surprise that cup had nothing but death in there. Not saying that does not happen today but as a human I can't be a cup. I have feelings and I have SO MUCH LOVE to give. Another good example is this: marketing. If Sony never announced their Playstation 4, never released commercials, wrapped it in a plain brown box, their sales would not be very good. And that's just the packaging and marketing. It is a great product but without proper marketing, no one would ever open the box to get to the Playstation 4. That is where I am at. My packaging is horrible. I have to lose this gut and my "moobs". I want to be a man where a woman knows not only can I provide for her, that I have my own hobbies and ministries, that I can cook a BOMB dish but that I will look DAMN good doing those things too. Like I said, I want to be the WHOLE package not a project. 

Last but most importantly, I HAVE to learn to trust more and forgive fast. Last year, I was so non-trusting that it led me into a depression. I would not eat meals and some days I would never eat. I would only sleep 3-4 hours tops and I was ignoring my responsibilities.  Than fast forward to today, and I have now JUST truly forgiven? This is not healthy of me. Before I get into ANY new relationship I got to make sure those things I picked up last year are dead and buried. That my past does not haunt my present and future. No need to waste anyone's time and my time if I am still having trust issues. No need for her to hurt more if I can't drop an offense right away. On an added note, this is where boundaries come in. When the offense does come, I have to say something right away instead of lying and letting it build in my heart. If something comes up where I don't know if I trust the situation, I should be honest up front instead of acting all "macho" man. 

I am Miscommunication Man Randy Savage and everything is okay....I promise...really

Miscommunication is relationship killer. It is selfish of me to avoid communication because I do not want my feelings to be hurt or I am afraid she will love me less. If I wait till later, I look like a fake and before you know it, you are not the person she thinks you are. The fight you thought you saved from happening is ten times bigger now. The image I thought I was is now false and void. Now we can add trust issues on both parts of this messed up pizza. 

Miscommunication ALWAYS wins.....

So in summary, I have a long ways to go. Andy Stanley recommends taking a year off dating and REALLY growing yourself. Here it is, I am pausing any dating effort until 3/17/2016. And this value, this goal is absolute, static, black and white, etc. The woman who I am looking (next post) for may cross my path tomorrow  and I cannot date her. I can be friends but for her sake, no our sake, I have to fix myself for myself. I want to be better. I want to be genuinely happy without thinking about the past. I want be better because I found the path and God guided me along the way. Not because she came along  and changed "my world" because we all know, if you give credit to anything for saving you, God will take that away. That is what we call an idol my brothers and sisters. I have seen it in my life and in so many others. Point the finger at yourself or look in the mirror and say "You are the reason I want to get better". Because like anything in life besides God (even on that Jesus said "Blessed are those who do not fall away on account of me" ask John the Baptist) will fail you. Your girlfriend, father, mother, pastors, teachers, wife, church, job, boss, dog, favorite meal will let you down sooner or later. And if you put your eggs in a basket you really cannot fix than you are out of luck. Put your eggs in your basket. You can fix yourself. You can't fix people or things or situations. Stop looking at the problem and find the solution. Stop looking at the storm and take hold of the helm. You are the master and commander of your ship. You can go left, you can go right. Your compass is God and He will get your through those storms. 

Much Love, 

Dain

Potential- The name of the seed of greatness

What up internet!

For about a month-ish now, I have found a new purpose, and that purpose is Young Life. My heart has always been with youth. Reason being is I truly believe who we are, the reasons we do things, how we come to see the world is made during the youth periods from Jr to Sr high. God has given me so many new little brothers and sisters. I love these kids and I would lay my life down for any of them. There are two boys that God has really laid on my heart. They have so much potential to be leaders, to be conquers, to be might men of God. They just need someone to tell them.

I had a "God" moment with one of the boys this week. He reminds me of me at that age. He even has the same negativity "monkey" on his back that whispers in his ears. He told me he doesn't like sleeping in his room because he gets scared and sees things. I asked him if I could pray over his room and he was actually open to it. So I cast out the devil and asked God to replace those fear, anger and despair spirits with peace, love and joy. Than all of a sudden God had me pray for this kid. I prayed the same prayer my mom prayed over me when I was going through my negativity stage in high school. God broke his stone heart and this kid started crying. I told him that God has so much love for him, that God has plans for him to succeed and not fail.

The thing that broke through though was that he was surprised that us leaders pray for him a lot. He did not know how much we REALLY cared for him. He said he felt alone and stupid. I told him that is false and to never ever say that about himself again. That he is a strong and smart man of God that has SO much potential. This is where I get to my point about potential. Potential is seed and positive reinforcement is the water. Not the babying kind of reinforcement but that hard love. That hard love that says "Stop telling me the problem and give me the solution". This kid has never had that. He just had people listening to him and pitying him. I am not that person. I was not raised that way. Do not get me wrong. I still battle Mr. Negativity everyday but I do go FORWARD not backward.

I am watching House of Cards and Claire Underwood had a GREAT quote when Francis was just complaining about his problems "Stop it! This isn't doing you any good, I will talk about this (Francis' doubt about deploying troops on his order) if you want, but if you are doubting yourself I cannot indulge that." As a leader and from what I have seen with some of the leaders in my life, the ones that made a difference are the ones who did not indulge my negative rants. The ones who told me to stop talking and come up with a solution on the spot. My youth pastor, Tom Momono, and my mother were the main people in my life who taught me this valuable skill.

This kid, at least for a moment that Monday night, saw his potential, his strength and his intelligence. It wasn't my doing, God showed him. But as I know all too well, if one doesn't stay in that mind set, you go back to yourself. That is what we call being human. This time is different though. God put me in this kid's life. I love enhancing people's lives. I love seeing kids succeed. I love seeing kids start being the master and commander of their ship. I love seeing kids helping other kids be successful.

For these kids, no, for all of us everyday is a battle. Recently I have turned into a Warhammer 40k nerd (sorry Star Wars, Space Marine Psycher > Jedi). As Christians we are given the best weapons and best armor to fight the enemy. But with anything we need training. To me the armor of God looks like a Space Marine's Armor

SPACE MARRRRIIINNNEEEEEEEE! 

Space Marines in the Warhammer universe fight the hardest battles. Their main enemy is the forces of Chaos. Demons, traitor space Marines and just straight up the spirit realm. They also face other impossible enemies like Tyranids (imagine the zerg on Red Bull) or Orks. They know no fear and serve the "god Emperor" to death. To me our daily fight looks like this:

My daily fight with Depression

The thing about Space Marines is that alone they are deadly, but together they are unstoppable. That is just like us. By myself I have God on my side and He is so merciful to me to give me a way of escape. With other brothers and sisters in Christ, I cannot be conquered by life's battles.  That's why I am here for these kids. To give them the training they need to conquer their inner battles. To be honest with me and know that whatever they have done, I will not judge them but give them my best solution to fix it. I am tired of seeing my friends and kids come into their 20's not knowing how to fight. I am tired of seeing generations not seeing their potential and denying their greatness. Like my friend Mayumi told me when I said I felt bad about Haiti "If you really felt bad, you would do something about it". That has stuck with me for YEARS. God has put me in this role for a reason and I am ready to put my WHOLE heart into it.

So in summary, potential is the seed, the water is your words, fertilizer is that tough love and the sunshine is God. We are warrior-farmers. Fight those inner battles and help others grow.

Ok internet peace out!