Who I am Looking For- Wherever You Are....

Evening,

I finally got the energy to write my next entry. This one is to document what I am looking for in a wife. In my life, the majority of my guy friends don't like talking about the adventure, the quest, the voyage of finding a wife. Even a committed relationship is a MAJOR fear on both sides of the table. I have plenty of friends acting out a relationship but when you just mention a the label girlfriend or boyfriend they get scared. Reason being is that they think if there is not a label they can stop whenever they want to, or if there is not a label they will not get hurt if the other person isn't as committed as they are.

America's #1 fear right next to zombies 

So I guess this is the first thing I am looking for. A woman who is 100% into me because whoever you are I'll be 100% into you. I don't think a healthy relationship should contain "chasing". To me a healthy relationship should be comfortable. There should not be a doubt in either one's mind of where each other's commitment is at. There should not be feelings of shortcoming or doubt. It should be a confidence that she is my only love and I am hers. That we brag about each other to our parents and friends. That we shout our love for each other off the rooftops. No hiding or playing politics.  That she has my back and I will defend her to the death. How do we get this? Trust.

In my previous post I wrote I have trust issues. Some of the trust issues I had were justified and some were not. That being said though, I shouldn't carry the issues and arguments from my past relationship to my new one. What happened is in the past. Also, it wasn't normal or at least it was not healthy.  Healthy relationships start with trust. I would even venture to say that trust is a bigger corner stone than love. Ask any counselor, pastor, therapist, once trust is broken in any relationship, the relationship is not what it used to be. It's like breaking a plate and gluing it back together. Still can work as a plate, but it just isn't the same anymore.

EEXXXAACCTTLLLYYYY

Due to mistrust, I had one of the worst years of my life. I was not eating. I was not getting sleep. I came to the brink of losing my career. I became obsessed, stressed and I lost who I was. I checked into counseling and had to find myself again. I am still battling with the sadness and depression but I am getting better. A healthy relationship does not do this to a person. A healthy relationship should be secure enough where the actual status of the relationship is not a priority. Like where no one should be worrying. Where it's just like "Oh yeah, I trust her. She would never hurt me". And you actually believe it. The wounds I have are still scabbing and they hurt a lot. I do not want to go through last year again. Shoot I may not survive it if I did. 

The next thing I want in whoever she is, is that she is fun. This is a big category. By fun I mean she can laugh easy. She is witty. She can let her hair down and knock a beer or two back. That she likes to go on adventures. That she is smart and open minded. Likes different cultures, food and music. She has her own hobbies and ministry. That she enjoys helping others and doing her part at making this world a better place. Where her energy lights up the freakin room! 

EEXXXAACCTTLLLYYYY

Right next to fun is someone who is focused. To me, there is nothing sexier than a woman who is independent. Where when she gets her goals accomplished because she has focus. Career? She has one and loves it. Wants a house? No problem, she's been saving up for a down payment. The world is hers and I am more than blessed that she loves me. To me, no one should "need" each other in a relationship because that means the love is a dependency, not a choice. A choice has SO much more value than a dependent relationship. She can leave me anytime and be ok. And that's a two way street. We stay together because it's a choice. To me that is beautiful. 

Last but not least and most important, she has to have a relationship with God. For me, I just don't want that debate or awkwardness. She loves God, she knows God and she serves God. That her love for God is bigger than the love she has for me. If I know one thing, God is WAY more reliable than I can ever be.  That if we make our relationship around Him that He will see us through. I took over for God and I messed things up really bad. Like I said, I lost myself. 

Like always, in summary, this is me writing this down to refer back to it when I have moments of doubt or weakness. That I do not waiver on who I am looking for. There is this episode in How I Met Your Mother where Ted is talking to the would be husband of the ex who ran away with him:

Klaus: Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz." She's my "Beinahe-Leidenschaftsgegenstand"... it means the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but it's not quite. That is Victoria to me.

Ted Mosby: How do you know she's not "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz?" Maybe as the years go by she'll get "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz... ier?"

Klaus: "Lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz" is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin... have you ever felt this way about someone?

Ted Mosby: ...I think so.

Klaus: If you have to think about it, you have not felt it.

Ted Mosby: And you're absolutely sure you'll find that someday?

Klaus: Of course. Everyone does eventually... you just never know when or where.

This episode has stuck with me for years. And I would augment this more in that you will know because she knows too. There won't be discomfort or worry. It will just fit. If you have to force it, than it isn't meant to be. 

Whoever you are, I haven't met you yet. I am searching and preparing for you. I cannot wait to meet you! I am making a better man for myself. I am almost there. I just have some pain I have to work through. Know I am praying for you and I don't even know your name. I am ready to leave my past in my past. I am working on my present. I am excited to see you in my future. 

-Dain

Moving On: Where to Begin

Just recently I have received the closure I needed from my last relationship a yearish ago. As I now know I can't go back I must now look to the future. I know well the lessons I learned in the past. There is this podcast by Andy Stanley called "The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating" and Andy asks a REALLY scary question in the first part. That question is: Am I the person the person I'm looking for is looking for? To be honest, right now, no I believe I am not. 

Growth comes from not looking at a situation but from looking at oneself. Being honest, not negative, on the shortfalls of who I am right now, at this season in time. So here it is:

I am still raw from my previous relationship. I am just now getting over the anger stage and am just plain old sad now. It's a step forward but it still hurts. Whoever I am with next should not have to pay for the wounds from my last relationship. It not fair to whoever she is. I want her to see me for me. I do not want to be rescued. I do not want to be a project. I like being the guy who has his "shit" together. It maybe me, but I think it is so messed up how society today, craves "projects". I don't want to be something I am not. If I like you, I LIKE you. I am not going to play head games. I am here for you. I want you to succeed. I am here to ENHANCE you, not make you worry. 

I need to work on my weight issue. I was talking to my cousin and we came to a conclusion. Attraction is the foot in the door. Unfortunately when it comes to dating and courting, it is not like the Holy Grail scene from Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail.

Ironically though, most of the time, the poor choice still has the same effects...

In the movie, the villain had to pick the Holy Grail that he may have "eternal life". There were some ugly cups, some tall, some short and a cup Lil Jon would LOVE to sip that Chrystal from. Well the villain picked the Lil Jon cup.

Lil Jon....you have chosen...poorly..."WHAT?"

 The reason being is because the cup was attractive. It was made of pure gold, had rubies in it and definitely was made for a king. Well surprise, surprise that cup had nothing but death in there. Not saying that does not happen today but as a human I can't be a cup. I have feelings and I have SO MUCH LOVE to give. Another good example is this: marketing. If Sony never announced their Playstation 4, never released commercials, wrapped it in a plain brown box, their sales would not be very good. And that's just the packaging and marketing. It is a great product but without proper marketing, no one would ever open the box to get to the Playstation 4. That is where I am at. My packaging is horrible. I have to lose this gut and my "moobs". I want to be a man where a woman knows not only can I provide for her, that I have my own hobbies and ministries, that I can cook a BOMB dish but that I will look DAMN good doing those things too. Like I said, I want to be the WHOLE package not a project. 

Last but most importantly, I HAVE to learn to trust more and forgive fast. Last year, I was so non-trusting that it led me into a depression. I would not eat meals and some days I would never eat. I would only sleep 3-4 hours tops and I was ignoring my responsibilities.  Than fast forward to today, and I have now JUST truly forgiven? This is not healthy of me. Before I get into ANY new relationship I got to make sure those things I picked up last year are dead and buried. That my past does not haunt my present and future. No need to waste anyone's time and my time if I am still having trust issues. No need for her to hurt more if I can't drop an offense right away. On an added note, this is where boundaries come in. When the offense does come, I have to say something right away instead of lying and letting it build in my heart. If something comes up where I don't know if I trust the situation, I should be honest up front instead of acting all "macho" man. 

I am Miscommunication Man Randy Savage and everything is okay....I promise...really

Miscommunication is relationship killer. It is selfish of me to avoid communication because I do not want my feelings to be hurt or I am afraid she will love me less. If I wait till later, I look like a fake and before you know it, you are not the person she thinks you are. The fight you thought you saved from happening is ten times bigger now. The image I thought I was is now false and void. Now we can add trust issues on both parts of this messed up pizza. 

Miscommunication ALWAYS wins.....

So in summary, I have a long ways to go. Andy Stanley recommends taking a year off dating and REALLY growing yourself. Here it is, I am pausing any dating effort until 3/17/2016. And this value, this goal is absolute, static, black and white, etc. The woman who I am looking (next post) for may cross my path tomorrow  and I cannot date her. I can be friends but for her sake, no our sake, I have to fix myself for myself. I want to be better. I want to be genuinely happy without thinking about the past. I want be better because I found the path and God guided me along the way. Not because she came along  and changed "my world" because we all know, if you give credit to anything for saving you, God will take that away. That is what we call an idol my brothers and sisters. I have seen it in my life and in so many others. Point the finger at yourself or look in the mirror and say "You are the reason I want to get better". Because like anything in life besides God (even on that Jesus said "Blessed are those who do not fall away on account of me" ask John the Baptist) will fail you. Your girlfriend, father, mother, pastors, teachers, wife, church, job, boss, dog, favorite meal will let you down sooner or later. And if you put your eggs in a basket you really cannot fix than you are out of luck. Put your eggs in your basket. You can fix yourself. You can't fix people or things or situations. Stop looking at the problem and find the solution. Stop looking at the storm and take hold of the helm. You are the master and commander of your ship. You can go left, you can go right. Your compass is God and He will get your through those storms. 

Much Love, 

Dain

Potential- The name of the seed of greatness

What up internet!

For about a month-ish now, I have found a new purpose, and that purpose is Young Life. My heart has always been with youth. Reason being is I truly believe who we are, the reasons we do things, how we come to see the world is made during the youth periods from Jr to Sr high. God has given me so many new little brothers and sisters. I love these kids and I would lay my life down for any of them. There are two boys that God has really laid on my heart. They have so much potential to be leaders, to be conquers, to be might men of God. They just need someone to tell them.

I had a "God" moment with one of the boys this week. He reminds me of me at that age. He even has the same negativity "monkey" on his back that whispers in his ears. He told me he doesn't like sleeping in his room because he gets scared and sees things. I asked him if I could pray over his room and he was actually open to it. So I cast out the devil and asked God to replace those fear, anger and despair spirits with peace, love and joy. Than all of a sudden God had me pray for this kid. I prayed the same prayer my mom prayed over me when I was going through my negativity stage in high school. God broke his stone heart and this kid started crying. I told him that God has so much love for him, that God has plans for him to succeed and not fail.

The thing that broke through though was that he was surprised that us leaders pray for him a lot. He did not know how much we REALLY cared for him. He said he felt alone and stupid. I told him that is false and to never ever say that about himself again. That he is a strong and smart man of God that has SO much potential. This is where I get to my point about potential. Potential is seed and positive reinforcement is the water. Not the babying kind of reinforcement but that hard love. That hard love that says "Stop telling me the problem and give me the solution". This kid has never had that. He just had people listening to him and pitying him. I am not that person. I was not raised that way. Do not get me wrong. I still battle Mr. Negativity everyday but I do go FORWARD not backward.

I am watching House of Cards and Claire Underwood had a GREAT quote when Francis was just complaining about his problems "Stop it! This isn't doing you any good, I will talk about this (Francis' doubt about deploying troops on his order) if you want, but if you are doubting yourself I cannot indulge that." As a leader and from what I have seen with some of the leaders in my life, the ones that made a difference are the ones who did not indulge my negative rants. The ones who told me to stop talking and come up with a solution on the spot. My youth pastor, Tom Momono, and my mother were the main people in my life who taught me this valuable skill.

This kid, at least for a moment that Monday night, saw his potential, his strength and his intelligence. It wasn't my doing, God showed him. But as I know all too well, if one doesn't stay in that mind set, you go back to yourself. That is what we call being human. This time is different though. God put me in this kid's life. I love enhancing people's lives. I love seeing kids succeed. I love seeing kids start being the master and commander of their ship. I love seeing kids helping other kids be successful.

For these kids, no, for all of us everyday is a battle. Recently I have turned into a Warhammer 40k nerd (sorry Star Wars, Space Marine Psycher > Jedi). As Christians we are given the best weapons and best armor to fight the enemy. But with anything we need training. To me the armor of God looks like a Space Marine's Armor

SPACE MARRRRIIINNNEEEEEEEE! 

Space Marines in the Warhammer universe fight the hardest battles. Their main enemy is the forces of Chaos. Demons, traitor space Marines and just straight up the spirit realm. They also face other impossible enemies like Tyranids (imagine the zerg on Red Bull) or Orks. They know no fear and serve the "god Emperor" to death. To me our daily fight looks like this:

My daily fight with Depression

The thing about Space Marines is that alone they are deadly, but together they are unstoppable. That is just like us. By myself I have God on my side and He is so merciful to me to give me a way of escape. With other brothers and sisters in Christ, I cannot be conquered by life's battles.  That's why I am here for these kids. To give them the training they need to conquer their inner battles. To be honest with me and know that whatever they have done, I will not judge them but give them my best solution to fix it. I am tired of seeing my friends and kids come into their 20's not knowing how to fight. I am tired of seeing generations not seeing their potential and denying their greatness. Like my friend Mayumi told me when I said I felt bad about Haiti "If you really felt bad, you would do something about it". That has stuck with me for YEARS. God has put me in this role for a reason and I am ready to put my WHOLE heart into it.

So in summary, potential is the seed, the water is your words, fertilizer is that tough love and the sunshine is God. We are warrior-farmers. Fight those inner battles and help others grow.

Ok internet peace out!