I just got done watching the latest season of Louis on Netflix. I know I know, this is another "Hey I am getting over my last relationship post" but this scene really stuck to me. This is the scene between Louis and Dr. Bigelow:
_______________________________________________________________________________
Bigelow: So you took a chance on being happy, even though you knew that later on you would be sad.
Louis: Yeah.
Bigelow: And now... you're sad.
Louis: Yeah.
Bigelow: So... what's the problem?
Louis: I'm too sad.... Look, I liked the feeling of being in love with her. I liked it. But now she's gone and I miss her and it sucks. And I didn't think it was going to be this bad, and I feel like, why even be happy if it's just going to lead to this, you know? It wasn't worth it.
Bigelow: You know, misery is wasted on the miserable.
Louis: What?
Bigelow: You know, I'm not entirely sure what your name is, but you are a classic idiot. You think spending time with her, kissing her, having fun with her, you think that's what it was all about? That was love?
Louis: Yeah.
Bigelow: THIS is love. Missing her, because she's gone. Wanting to die.... You're so lucky. You're like a walking poem. Would you rather be some kind of a fantasy? Some kind of a Disney ride? Is that what you want? Don't you see? This is the good part. This is what you've been digging for all this time. Now you finally have it in your hand, this sweet nugget of love, sweet, sad love, and you want to throw it away. You've got it all wrong.
Louis: I thought this was the bad part.
Bigelow: No! The bad part is when you forget her, when you don't care about her, when you don't care about anything. The bad part is coming, so enjoy the heartbreak while you can, for God's sakes. Pick up the dog poop, would you please? Lucky sonofabitch. I haven't had my heart broken since Marilyn walked out on me, since I was 35 years old. What I would give to have that feeling again.... You know, I'm not really sure what your name is, but you may be the single most boring person I have ever met. No offense.
_______________________________________________________________________________
I can feel myself starting to stop caring but last night I had a dream where I was talking to someone I did not know. The last part of that conversation was I admitted "I miss her, I miss her a lot". Now taking that scene from Louis and working on being grateful I have come up with this. I am grateful that at least for a few months someone put me in their life plan. That for a little while I got to fantasize with someone about having an awesome wedding. That I am grateful I got to imagine what our kids would look like and what his or her name would be. Even if I never meet someone again. at least for a moment, someone loved me.
Don't get me wrong, I am hurt still but I miss that feeling of love. And I guess I am lucky I got to experience love. Never before have I felt such a emotional, spiritual and physical love. That is why I miss it. Because once you have it, that is all you think about. You want to be with that person all the time. This is why this hurts so much. I had something that I didn't know how much I wanted. I lost it. The tragic part of this is the incredible amount of love I had has turned into something demented and bitter. Where I struggle daily with anger and forgiveness at the same time.
Again I am grateful for the love I felt and I wish somehow it worked out the way we planned it. I must move on though. I have to stop caring and let go.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Tom Momono, my dad and my last hero.
Today I learned that my last hero, mentor, youth pastor, and dad (no relation but he was more than just a fill-in) passed away with his fight with cancer. This blog is to remind me of his lessons in case I ever forget. To go back in my mind when I was learning about who I was in my teens and to recall the long talks me and Tom had.
Back when I was a teenager, Tom would pick me and my siblings up and take us out for cool lunches or dinners. He mentored us during these hangout sessions. He taught me things on strength, making right decisions, honor, chivalry, having undying faith in God, and adventure. Tom is the best model I have on how to be a true and loving father. I am sad I did not get to say goodbye but I am glad his suffering is over.
When it comes to strength, Tom taught me that nothing I encounter in life is to big for me as I have God on my side. That really my strength is God's strength. That since God is my strength than there is nothing to big for me. I have embraced that throughout my life. I may wallow and cry but I end up getting out of the holes I make, life makes and other's make. I make a goal or am given a goal, and I crush them. That is because of what I was taught in my formidable years. Strength, that stuff that gives you the way to conquer life.
Honor is something Tom taught and had. He quit smoking for us kids so that he could be a better example. He never hid it or anything. He knew that hiding things about his life was dishonorable. That eventually God would bring it to light. So he suffered and conquered in front of us. He stopped smoking cold turkey and put his faith in God's strength. Out of all the leaders in my life, nothing was in Tom's closet because he never had one. He lived his life accountable to God and to his kids.
Tom also taught me on making right decisions. He taught me that yes it is hard sometimes to do the right thing especially when it does not go in my favor but that I should for my soul and conscious do the right thing. These teachings have kept me from being a drug addict or alcoholic. From making life changing consequences that I am not ready for yet. Saving friendships and admitting I was wrong. Ending debates quickly by asking for forgiveness and owning up to my faults.
When I talked to Tom a few months ago, his faith was still unshaken. He was not mad at God or questioning Him. Tom was sure God had him in His hands. That even if he did not make it, that he was going to a WAY better place. There was no doubt in his voice, just like he was 10 + years ago. I admit that I could work on this but Tom gave me an example on what and how to do it.
Last but not least Tom taught me to embrace adventure. What is adventure? Anything outside my comfort zone. Thanks to Tom I have a deep love of sushi and just good food in general. Tom also took gambles on the weird kids and the underdogs. I am a little bit of both. Tom took his time with me. He showed me what it meant to be a true leader. That no one deserved to be left out. That everyone has a story that needs to be heard and never judged. That people just want someone to listen. To not say anything for a change. And he is right.
Tom's legacy has and is living on through me. I have my Living Water boys who were "savages". Now they are responsible young men on fire for God. They help their communities and give their time to the less fortunate. Some have even went on missions trips. My Young Life boys are learning the same rules. Learning that they can be bad ass and be a gentleman at the same time. That women are not objects. To feel their feelings and do the right thing. They are behaved and actually listen to the messages. I love these kids and would die for anyone of them to give them another chance to live life. Just like Tom did for me.
Tom you changed me. You took an angry kid and made him into a smart, loving, funny young man. Without you I would have went down some dark roads that thanks to you I missed. I cannot thank you enough. I am going to miss you a bunch. I promise to show these kids the things you showed me. To live my life with more honor. To be transparent and to get rid of my closet. That honor and honesty go hand-in-hand. I love you Tom.
-Dain
Back when I was a teenager, Tom would pick me and my siblings up and take us out for cool lunches or dinners. He mentored us during these hangout sessions. He taught me things on strength, making right decisions, honor, chivalry, having undying faith in God, and adventure. Tom is the best model I have on how to be a true and loving father. I am sad I did not get to say goodbye but I am glad his suffering is over.
When it comes to strength, Tom taught me that nothing I encounter in life is to big for me as I have God on my side. That really my strength is God's strength. That since God is my strength than there is nothing to big for me. I have embraced that throughout my life. I may wallow and cry but I end up getting out of the holes I make, life makes and other's make. I make a goal or am given a goal, and I crush them. That is because of what I was taught in my formidable years. Strength, that stuff that gives you the way to conquer life.
Honor is something Tom taught and had. He quit smoking for us kids so that he could be a better example. He never hid it or anything. He knew that hiding things about his life was dishonorable. That eventually God would bring it to light. So he suffered and conquered in front of us. He stopped smoking cold turkey and put his faith in God's strength. Out of all the leaders in my life, nothing was in Tom's closet because he never had one. He lived his life accountable to God and to his kids.
Tom also taught me on making right decisions. He taught me that yes it is hard sometimes to do the right thing especially when it does not go in my favor but that I should for my soul and conscious do the right thing. These teachings have kept me from being a drug addict or alcoholic. From making life changing consequences that I am not ready for yet. Saving friendships and admitting I was wrong. Ending debates quickly by asking for forgiveness and owning up to my faults.
When I talked to Tom a few months ago, his faith was still unshaken. He was not mad at God or questioning Him. Tom was sure God had him in His hands. That even if he did not make it, that he was going to a WAY better place. There was no doubt in his voice, just like he was 10 + years ago. I admit that I could work on this but Tom gave me an example on what and how to do it.
Last but not least Tom taught me to embrace adventure. What is adventure? Anything outside my comfort zone. Thanks to Tom I have a deep love of sushi and just good food in general. Tom also took gambles on the weird kids and the underdogs. I am a little bit of both. Tom took his time with me. He showed me what it meant to be a true leader. That no one deserved to be left out. That everyone has a story that needs to be heard and never judged. That people just want someone to listen. To not say anything for a change. And he is right.
Tom's legacy has and is living on through me. I have my Living Water boys who were "savages". Now they are responsible young men on fire for God. They help their communities and give their time to the less fortunate. Some have even went on missions trips. My Young Life boys are learning the same rules. Learning that they can be bad ass and be a gentleman at the same time. That women are not objects. To feel their feelings and do the right thing. They are behaved and actually listen to the messages. I love these kids and would die for anyone of them to give them another chance to live life. Just like Tom did for me.
Tom you changed me. You took an angry kid and made him into a smart, loving, funny young man. Without you I would have went down some dark roads that thanks to you I missed. I cannot thank you enough. I am going to miss you a bunch. I promise to show these kids the things you showed me. To live my life with more honor. To be transparent and to get rid of my closet. That honor and honesty go hand-in-hand. I love you Tom.
-Dain
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Missing what was lost
This week has been a weird week emotion wise. Maybe it's because I am actually letting go more and more is the reason I miss her. To get through the day, I keep telling myself to ignore her or pretend she isn't there. Lately though, I have been missing her bad. And not just the physical stuff, but the good times too. The late night calls, the way she laughed and trying new things. Is this the reason it's so hard to move on? Where it feels like I will never find the good things in someone else ever again?
Here is another thing, I am still physically attracted to her to. Like this morning, I couldn't stop thinking about her. It sucks because I know I can never have her again. It's torture seeing her everyday because to get over these feelings I tend to turn them into anger or hatred. It's hard for me to be happy for her because well, she is the one I want. I try to convince myself everyday that I am delusional but I keep coming back to these thoughts.
I miss that lemony smell, the way her thumb bends back, her hand in mine, the kisses we used to sneak in the elevator, her YouTube adventures with the Illumanti or aliens, laying around all morning. And I think there are three ways to get over these feelings:
1. Find someone else. This option is more of a band-aid plus I made a promise to wait a year
2. Change my environment. This option to me seems like a good fix. Obviously I have been trying to get over her but it is not working. I do not think seeing her every day helps. If I am tortured than it is up to me to stop it.
3. Actually get over it. I have tried this. It isn't working. I still have soul ties and I am pretty sure it is tied to the "physical" times. I am visual person and when I see her I see someone who hurt me, someone who I struggle loving and hating, and someone who has a part of my soul I can never take back.
This is the most honest I have been to myself. Yes I miss her. It hurts like a bullet through my knee cap. I don't know what I am going to do yet but I know I have to do something to stop this pain.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
A Moment of Weakness-One Bad Night of loneliness
In this blog entry I am not going to spruce anything up with pictures or wit. Tonight is just my pure emotion. My two closest friends from work have found a girlfriend/boyfriend and I know this may just be summer time relationships but they are happy. Like my one friend went to take her boyfriend medicine because he felt sick. Like that is freaking awesome. My other friend, he goes shopping, plays video games and spends time with his girlfriend. Both of them get texts and text back. They have someone that they care for and have someone that cares for them. My other friend just proposed to his girlfriend/bestfriend. In my own selfishness I am jealous. My deepest desire is to find that someone to experience this life with. I feel so freaking alone. Right now I am crying.
I know you are saying "Dain, you just got to get out there." For me though, it's not that simple. My plan was to be engaged by now planning a wedding. That is not the case though. I am here alone in this apartment with my awesome buddy of a cat. For me, I feel fearful of trying again. My heart is broken still. I would dare say it feels like I am getting over a recent divorce (totally not that but it feels that way).
My last moment of weakness like this was about two weeks ago when I was sick with a really bad cold. No one came to my door with chicken noodle soup. I didn't get one text asking how I felt. I felt alone. I had to put my big boy pants on and take care of myself. I do that a lot. I experience a lot of things alone. Vacations, achievements, funny moments, etc are all experienced by me. I do not have someone wondering how my day went. I cannot vent to anyone because they do not listen (hence why I have this).
I am trying to get over the past but days like these make it real hard. Right now I feel so alone and so sad. I know I said I am working on myself but man, it's hard to keep your eye on the prize when you haven't met that person and when in the past the work and saving I did was wasted. I know I am a good person, a good friend and a good lover. I just really do not want to be hurt again. I am scared of failing again. I am scared of putting my heart into someone and getting it crushed. I am scared of not being enough.
"Dain, it sounds like you are not ready for dating." Yup. This is me seeing people move on and finding love. Where ultimately I want that and I had that. But when I get to the base of that mountain, I get intimidated. The fear of rejection is a huge hurdle for me. That's why when I get in a relationship it is a big deal for me. If I tell a girl I like her that is a BIG step for me. That's why I go all in if she says yes. I move fast and want her to meet my family. Why? Because she meets my criteria for a life partner. Maybe this is a problem. Too many expectations at the front. On the other hand though, this is who I am. So do I change myself and start dating like my friends or do I date to marry? I don't know.
What I do know though, is that I am lonely right now. I am sad and am weak right now. In my heart of hearts I want someone who is into me as much as I am into her.
Good night Internet, thanks for listening and letting me cry it out.
I know you are saying "Dain, you just got to get out there." For me though, it's not that simple. My plan was to be engaged by now planning a wedding. That is not the case though. I am here alone in this apartment with my awesome buddy of a cat. For me, I feel fearful of trying again. My heart is broken still. I would dare say it feels like I am getting over a recent divorce (totally not that but it feels that way).
My last moment of weakness like this was about two weeks ago when I was sick with a really bad cold. No one came to my door with chicken noodle soup. I didn't get one text asking how I felt. I felt alone. I had to put my big boy pants on and take care of myself. I do that a lot. I experience a lot of things alone. Vacations, achievements, funny moments, etc are all experienced by me. I do not have someone wondering how my day went. I cannot vent to anyone because they do not listen (hence why I have this).
I am trying to get over the past but days like these make it real hard. Right now I feel so alone and so sad. I know I said I am working on myself but man, it's hard to keep your eye on the prize when you haven't met that person and when in the past the work and saving I did was wasted. I know I am a good person, a good friend and a good lover. I just really do not want to be hurt again. I am scared of failing again. I am scared of putting my heart into someone and getting it crushed. I am scared of not being enough.
"Dain, it sounds like you are not ready for dating." Yup. This is me seeing people move on and finding love. Where ultimately I want that and I had that. But when I get to the base of that mountain, I get intimidated. The fear of rejection is a huge hurdle for me. That's why when I get in a relationship it is a big deal for me. If I tell a girl I like her that is a BIG step for me. That's why I go all in if she says yes. I move fast and want her to meet my family. Why? Because she meets my criteria for a life partner. Maybe this is a problem. Too many expectations at the front. On the other hand though, this is who I am. So do I change myself and start dating like my friends or do I date to marry? I don't know.
What I do know though, is that I am lonely right now. I am sad and am weak right now. In my heart of hearts I want someone who is into me as much as I am into her.
Good night Internet, thanks for listening and letting me cry it out.
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