I am a different man than I was two years ago. No, even a year ago. Last summer at camp, I did something I never thought I would do. I accepted Jesus. Whoah....ok there is some backstory to this.
I grew up in the church and went to Christian school my whole life. During my whole youth I thought God was judging my every turn. I know it was preached at me that God's love was for everyone but I never saw myself needing His love. Why? Because I was living a life of "works". I thought for the longest time I earned God's love.
Of course, my early and mid twenties proved that is not how it works. I got my world rocked right when I started my first job. At the warehouse, I felt I was surrounded by sinners. The more I got to know them the harder it was to walk the "Path". Eventually I became a "sinner" too.
Church became hard because I kept thinking "How does anyone make it into Heaven?" I got more into drinking and smoking pot. Trying to find purpose in this life. I would go through depression about every three months. Instead of trying to earn God's love now, I was trying to earn the love of my friends and even myself.
Fast foward through the usual early and mid twenties drama and now we are at July 10, 2015 during the last night at YoungLife camp at Crooked Creek. The last night is at the end of the final talk they send the kids and us leaders to find a spot alone and pray. I found a spot overlooking the lake there with the mountains in the background. There was a thunderstorm in the distance. I know this sounds cliche. There was something in the air though, more like someone. It was God.
I was weeping over my boys because I learned their back stories and all the pain they have endured. For some, they are still fighting. I was begging God that He would show Himself to them. That they would know His love. That's when it hit me. I didn't know God's love. My whole life of earning love was fruitless. It was insane. I felt that day the true love of God. I told God I was done trying to earn His love and that I was ready to receive it.
From that day on, God has been changing me. My community is out of the roof. I am surrounded by people who don't live a life in shame but of freedom. We tell each other everything and there is no judgement. Just like how Jesus intended. God found me a new church! I have been challenged almost every week by my pastor. He even changed the way I pray. I listen more and talk less now. He is now teaching me what real love is. How deep and how far it goes. That through love I see myself as the Saducee or as the Samaritan woman. That love has shown me I'm not perfect. I'm not close to being one of Jesus' 12. Through love, I am now a self-aware Pharisee. I see now where I have a hard time forgiving and I am quick to judge. And on the other hand, I am an outcast at the well looking for a way to heaven. I relate more to the oppressive Roman Empire than I do the Hebrew slave. Love is showing me my flaws and how to correct them. Love is teaching me to see the why behind the what we do. To see the sinner and not the sin.
